Mediation and neurodiversity

Recently, I was invited to give an online talk for Autistic Doctors International. After I had spoken there was a Q&A session and during an hour and a half of questions, I heard from a group of people who clearly wanted to understand if mediation could help neurodivergent and neurotypical people communicate and understand each other better to resolve the misunderstandings and conflicts they encountered during their work and life. Mediation is that process.

I have years of experience mediating disputes where a party is neurodivergent such as autistic people, ADHD or dyslexic. Sometimes the neurodivergent person has been diagnosed, sometimes they haven’t, and sometimes they’ve been diagnosed but haven’t ‘come out’. A mediator’s job isn’t to ‘out’ them or to emphasise their neurotype. It is our job to craft the mediation process so that parties, whatever their neurotype, can fully participate.

For me, that starts with a pre-mediation meeting to get a better understanding of any party’s style of communication. I’ll listen for their speech pattern and vocabulary. I notice when they seem to lose concentration or become distracted, and what their stress triggers are. It’s not about labelling them or judging them – it’s about awareness and knowing how best to support them. I might ask ‘What are your coping strategies when you’re under stress?’ Or I ask them to think about the physiological signals that show up when they feel under pressure, such as fidgeting or playing with their hair, so when I spot them during the mediation, I can suggest a break. I don’t make assumptions about certain behaviours because what might look like stress can be their personal approach to help improve their concentration and process information.

If a party doesn’t tell me or doesn’t know that they’re neurodivergent but I sense this is a possibility, I’ll gently introduce the topic with something like ‘I have a sense that there may be a particular reason why you’re very apprehensive about this mediation.’ That gives them the opportunity to open up, talk about examples of feeling misunderstood in the past and make a decision about whether or not to trust me. Often, very direct questions and the opportunity to respond with examples is what is needed to help the neurodivergent person to understand.

During a mediation parties are given whatever resources they need to be their best self and I will always make reasonable adjustments to make that happen.

My personal style of mediating is to keep going without taking lots of breaks, but if it means the neurodivergent party is better able to participate, I’ll make sure there are a sufficient number of breaks. I may call a break if I can see one is needed, or we might have a pre-agreed signal for when the party wants one.

For some people maintaining eye contact can often be difficult. Here, instead of sitting across the table in the classic adversarial arrangement I’ll suggest parties sit alongside each other. Similarly, if I have something important to explore with the party that might generate real discomfort for them, I’ll suggest going for a walk so we can talk side by side.

I may also spend a little more time with the neurodivergent party than the neurotypical party in private session.

At the mediation I will be alongside the neurodivergent party. Not on side. But alongside.

Where the neurotypical party doesn’t know that the other party is neurodivergent I’ll say to them: ‘I’ve been thinking about how we might manage the day and here are a couple of ideas that I think would help. What do you think? If they don’t work, we can try something else. Are you okay with that?’

Where the neurotypical party is aware of the situation I’ll be clear about wanting to make adjustments so that the other side can fully participate in the mediation. I’ve never had push-back from the neurotypical party over this. They’ve been grateful for my guidance and seen it as a practical and helpful adjustment to the process. In fact, it’s added a hugely positive dynamic because we’re not stuck with ‘What do we do here because I can’t communicate with this person?’

Neurodivergent and neurotypical people can benefit greatly from engaging in the mediation process. Neurodivergent people won’t necessarily need a ‘specialist’ mediator – simply one who takes the time to understand the nuances, can read the signals and will suggest appropriate adjustments. Which is what any good mediator worth their salt will do.

If I see that something isn’t working during mediation it’s my job, my responsibility, to make an adjustment so that people can refresh, reboot and re-engage. A mediator will always do what they can to make mediation a productive and less stressful experience. And that means making it possible for everyone to engage in the process and be able to contribute to reaching agreement.