I'm sorry - the power of an apology in mediation

As mediators, we frequently find ourselves mediating disputes between businesses where the parties have fallen out to such a degree that one wonders how it could have got this bad. Surely, one thinks, if they’d only just talked, it wouldn’t have got to this point. However, something happened to me this week that made me realise quite how easily a commercial relationship can deteriorate. It also reiterated to me how powerful an apology can be and how, often, that’s all that’s needed.

On occasion, as a business we are put in the unfortunate position where we have to chase outstanding fees from our clients on behalf of our mediators. This was one such case. The debt was nearly a year overdue and, despite numerous emails and attempts to contact the instructing solicitor by phone, we weren’t getting a response. I took it upon myself to ring the senior partner of the law firm, Mr X, to see if I could elicit an explanation along with payment of the debt.

I didn’t get through to him, so I left a message along the lines of: ‘We’ve been trying to get hold of you as you owe us some money. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll have to issue a claim in the small claims court.’ Within half an hour Mr X called me. I’d been expecting to have a reasoned conversation where I explained the situation and that I’d resorted to calling him because we were getting no response. However, the conversation didn’t play out like that. Instead, it went something like this:

Mr X: ‘You’ve left me a message and I don’t know what it’s about.’

Me: ‘We’re chasing some fees that we’re owed – we haven’t been able to get a response – it’s nearly a year overdue and we’re about to issue a claim.’

Mr X: ‘I don’t know anything about this. Why are you ringing me?’

Me: ‘Because we can’t get an answer from your colleague and you were copied into an email from [x] on [x] date at 11am so you should have all the information you need.’

Mr X: ‘With all due respect I haven’t got any email.’

Me: ‘Have you checked your junk mail?’

Mr X: ‘Oh yes… here it is… With all due respect I don’t know what this matter is about. Who is my client?’

Me:  ‘With all due respect, you should know who your client is but I can look it up… your client is…’

Mr X: ‘I will look into this.’ He hangs up.

Within a couple of hours, the debt was paid.  I’d achieved what I’d set out to do but the conversation had infuriated me. It made me so cross that I’ve been mulling on it ever since.  Here I am, a trained mediator, but within a few sentences I’d found myself echoing Mr X’s ‘With all due respect’ – one of the most passive aggressive phrases possible!

So what went wrong?

Pushing the self-esteem button

We’ve written before about how one of the most damaging and difficult factors to overcome for parties in dispute is a challenge to self-esteem. My self-esteem had been challenged by someone who was, I perceived, suggesting that I was wrong, that I was aggressive and that I was contacting the wrong person. That wasn’t how I liked to be spoken to – nobody does – but I was also upset that I hadn’t been able to control the conversation and that it had spiralled downwards so quickly.  Again, a slight to my view of myself as a reasonable person.

The power of an apology

Litigators or potential litigants are told not to apologise. But as mediators we know how powerful an apology can be – and the incident with Mr X really drove that home to me. Had there been a note simply saying ‘Apologies for the delay in payment’ or even an explanation of why it had taken so long I wouldn’t have felt so vexed. Many might say ‘That’s business!’ – but the fact is that behind every business trying to recoup monies owed is a person with self-esteem, self-respect and emotions.

It’s why, even in the most supposedly commercial of disputes, we see such high emotion. And why mediation can be such a cathartic route to dispute resolution, offering parties the chance to hear the other side’s perspective and understand the strength of feelings in play. I got the money that was owed. But an explanation or apology would have felt so much better!