Why mediation is like leading an orchestra

Did you know that the conductor of an orchestra is always one and a half beats ahead of the musicians? The role of the conductor is not to keep the orchestra in time but to stay a fraction in front of them, leading them, giving them the information they need in order to play. As a mediator, that’s exactly what I do. I lead the process by staying a couple of beats ahead.

Like the conductor of an orchestra, I get advance notice when there’s a change in mood, tone or emotion. For example, I may spot a gesture that could indicate someone is moving into an angry state, and as the leader I can head that off. Over a long career as a mediator, I’ve also become extremely attuned to voice and language. I can tell how people are changing in their approach from the way they speak and from how they structure their sentences. I watch and listen and lead accordingly.

Of course, these things are not codified. It isn’t a case of ‘They are doing “x” so they are feeling “y”. That’s why I always try to speak to parties before the mediation. I want to have a relaxed, non-confrontational conversation so I can understand their baseline communication style. What vocabulary and sentence structure do they use? What’s their normal tone and pace? It gives me the opportunity to understand when there are deviations from that baseline. For example, looking at what happens when they get a bit upset. Do they chew their lip or raise a dominant shoulder? We all give signals ahead of our emotion state and these precursors allow me to anticipate how a party might be feeling.

It’s important to test my hypothesis. When I spot a particular gesture or hear a certain tone of voice I will say to the person ‘I have a sense that what you’ve just spoken about really matters to you.’ It shows that I’m interested to know what’s going on and it invites them to share that information with me. This all helps me to pre-empt any challenges on the day. If I see that same gesture or hear that tone, I’ll find a way to say to the party ‘Now what’s going on here? Because if you’re not putting it on the table, you won’t learn anything that could help you find a solution.’

I really enjoy leading the orchestra when the mediation is online. I can read people better and get more immediate information when the parties are on the same screen rather than sitting in a separate room where I can’t see them or the reactions to what is being said. As the conductor, I can also use my own gestures, such as leaning forward or holding my hands in an open-palm position, to orchestrate the conversation and keep the rhythm going.

I think one of the reasons that people who take part in my mediations feel they have had a very good experience, even if they don’t settle, is because I’m totally focused on presenting people at their best. To continue the music analogy, you don’t keep someone on the double bass if they play the saxophone better. I adapt the mediation process to choose the ‘music’ that actually showcases them.

Mediation in any context is an opportunity for people who’ve lost their way to experience good leadership. That’s what mediators offer. We don’t control or take over. We lead the mediation; we orchestrate the contributions – and we always stay two beats ahead.